Anonymous: I have been with my boyfriend for two years. We are both Christians and recently made the decision to be obedient to God and to keep in His word daily. I love the fact that we are growing together and encouraging each other when times get tough.
My boyfriend has a three year old son that we pick-up on the weekends and I love him to death. When it’s us three we have a great time together. The only thing is I feel that my boyfriend is trying to keep me away from his son’s family. He doesn’t like to tell me when he talks to his son’s mother and seems to make calls over there secretly to keep me from finding out.
I want him to be a good father and to be in his sons life as much as possible but I have had a bad first impression of his son’s mother in the beginning of our relationship because she tried to break us up and would tell me lies about them getting back together to chase me away. There isn’t any contact between his mother and I now but I feel like I am left out of the family, I know I can’t take his mothers place but sometimes I feel like a stranger when it comes down to what is going on.
My boyfriend says he wants to marry me and we both agree we need to draw closer to God first but I’m not sure I can be married to him if he can’t include me in his life with his son. I don’t know if I should just back off because I shouldn’t have a say on what’s going on or if I’m entitled to have some say. My boyfriend says I’m a good mother to his son but when it comes down to any decision making he makes me feel that I need to keep my mouth shut. I just know if I’m going to be his wife I don’t want to feel the way I do now. What do I do?
Response: Surrendering your life daily to God is the best choice you can make.. If you will read the bible daily you will see that your mind and your desires will be renewed. Reading the Word and doing what the Word says is the secret to living a successful Christian life.
Now for the baby mama drama..
I know you said that she has done hurtful things in the past so you probably don’t trust her. I understand completely. It also doesn’t help that he seems to be sneaking to talk to her even though it’s probably innocent. He might think that it bothers you that he talks to her. It’s important that he knows that you are secure with your relationship and you trust him. That way he won’t feel like he has to hide. He is always going to have a relationship with her no matter what. Accept it for what it is and start praying about the whole situation if you are going to even think about marrying him.
The bottom line is the one you have to trust is your man. For any relationship to function properly there has to be trust. You have to trust your boyfriend loves you and is working daily to become the godly man that God wants Him to be. If you are confident in your relationship it would not matter to you if he talks to his ex because you know that he is your man and you trust him.
You have to pray about these feelings of insecurity and ask God to give you peace about the situation. If you love the child then you will pursue peace in this situation for his sake. Don’t hold grudges against the ex. Let it go. Forgive her for the past mistakes she’s made. We’re all human and are subject to error. Have mercy on her and try to see things her way also. Pray for her. If you do this you will see that your feelings towards her will begin to change.
Matthew 5:44-48 says “But I say, love your enemies, Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.”
It may be best that you do not have contact with the ex for now. She may or may not want to have to interaction with you. In the event that you do have to interact with her be patient and remember that you represent Christ. Always pursue peace!!
You are spending time with their child and she may have her guard up for several different reasons. She can be thinking any or all of the following: 1) Is she going to try to take my place. 2) What if my son calls her mommy. 3) What if she tries to take his dad away. 4) Will he still love and care for my son the way he does now when he gets married and has children with her.
There is a lot that could be going on in her mind. Not to mention that she may still have not gotten over the relationship with your boyfriend, the father of her child. The baby is only three. That is isn’t a very long time. So be patient and merciful.
Are you entitled to have some say? To the baby mama no. To your boyfriend you should lovely give him your advice and suggestions regarding the child. It is best not to make him feel caught in the middle between you and his ex. You may have to learn to step back sometimes and leave it between them.
My husband has two children from his previous marriage. I try not to get involved between his ex-wife and him. When I do talk to his ex-wife I am very patient and I keep it very simple. They make decisions for their children and I support my husband. I don’t always agree, however I do not over step my boundaries with her or him regarding his children. When his children visit us they abide by our rules because this is our house. I love them and care for them just like they were my own.
After praying about this whole situation you need to go to your boyfriend and let him know that it bothers you that he seems to feel that he needs to hide from you when he’s talking to his son’s mom. Reassure him that you trust him and that he does not need to sneak around.
Then leave it in God’s hands. Don’t worry and stress out about it. Remember that our Lord works everything out for our good. So let Him.
I will be praying for all of you.
God bless Sister,
Trophy of Grace
Psalms 96:3
