Anonymous said... Hi, I'm currently going out with a guy, but we live quite far apart and only see each other every 6-8 weeks for a few days at a time. We're in our twenties. We've been together nearing a year now, most of this time has been long-distance, and will be for the foresee-able future. I think I would like to talk about 'how things are' in terms or our relationship. Should me, as the girl, bring this up? or is it reasonable to want him as the guy to? What does being a spiritual leader look like, and should I hope that he would be that? I'm so aware that I do not want to look at him and judge him. So how do you differentiate between judging/discerning/knowing what's right for you? We do love each other, and he has been amazing in how he responded to my not-so-straightforward past. But I am beginning to wonder at what point it would be wise to start thinking about the future, or how long it is okay to 'see how it goes' - not in a casual way, but in a genuine, 'I don't yet know what the future holds' way. And what if I'm not sure about the future, but he thinks he is sure?
Is it important to have a similar experience of God, ie, some people are quite charismatic, some are traditional- I do not doubt that people in both types have true relationships with God, but how much does it matter whether you share these views/types or not?
Being long-distance means we live quite separate lives, and have different groups of friends. Two ways to look at this are,- If you're going to spend your life with someone, as a couple you will probably be in many places, and the constant will be the other person in the relationship. - On the other hand, is it better to be a couple that functions within a group, rather than mainly just as a couple?
Also, life plans - should these be sacrificed to be with the person, or should you have similar plans? What does the Bible say, because I've heard various ideas on that subject.
I'm afraid of hurting him as he has been So good to me.
This has been a post of several questions, thank-you for taking the time to read it!
Beloved by Him replies...
Is it important to have a similar experience of God, ie, some people are quite charismatic, some are traditional- I do not doubt that people in both types have true relationships with God, but how much does it matter whether you share these views/types or not?
Being long-distance means we live quite separate lives, and have different groups of friends. Two ways to look at this are,- If you're going to spend your life with someone, as a couple you will probably be in many places, and the constant will be the other person in the relationship. - On the other hand, is it better to be a couple that functions within a group, rather than mainly just as a couple?
Also, life plans - should these be sacrificed to be with the person, or should you have similar plans? What does the Bible say, because I've heard various ideas on that subject.
I'm afraid of hurting him as he has been So good to me.
This has been a post of several questions, thank-you for taking the time to read it!
Beloved by Him replies...
Hi, it’s Beloved of Him, in for my dear friend Trophy of Grace. I am so thankful that you brought your questions to us. We are so glad that you are willing to seek God’s wisdom and will in this relationship. Building the foundation of our lives on Christ is the only way to have real confidence and success (I Cor. 3:13); only He is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6). As long as you keep allowing God to lead and guide you, your life will be like a perpetual treasure hunt, as you uncover the riches of His wisdom, knowledge, and understanding (Col. 2:2-3)!
I know you’re bombarded with questions about your future and especially how this young man fits into it. First of all, the Bible says not to worry about tomorrow (Matt. 6:34). Look at where and who you are today. Are you doing what God has called you to do? Are you drawing closer to Him, putting Him first and purposing to know Him better? When we do this, the Lord promises to add everything else to our lives (Matt. 6:33). If loving and serving the Lord are your first priority, then you can rest and wait patiently for Him to show you the next step in His perfect time (Psalm 18:30).
Drawing closer to God will also give you the perfect example of servant leadership: Jesus Himself. If you look at how He is described in Philippians 2 and Ephesians 5, we see the four characteristics of a Godly man: Humility, obedience, sacrifice, and love. Take those traits and prayerfully consider this person in your life. If he loves the Lord and has these qualities, then he is on the right track, and you can trust that the Lord is working in Him.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with approaching him with your questions, as long as it’s done with a gentle spirit (I Peter 3:4), and in a positive manner (Eph. 4:29). What you can’t do is force an answer from him. Give him the respect, as the man in your relationship, of allowing him to seek God on his own. Don’t push for resolution, but rather pray that the two of you would be of one mind in Christ (Phil. 2:1-4) and truly would desire the best for each other–whether or not you decide to continue dating.
Seeking each other’s best interests is also a big factor in some of the other issues you raise, such as denominational background. If one person is traditional, will they be comfortable in a Pentecostal church? Or if someone was raised charismatic, would they be happy in an ultra-reverent service? Again, if Christ is the foundation, then nothing is impossible (Matt. 19:26). But it can take a lot of patience and prayer in the process of becoming like-minded (Rom. 12:16). Still, I know that God makes a way where there is no way. He loves to do something new that is a testimony to His grace and power (Is. 43:19). If He brings two people together, He will make a way for them to live in unity.
You also bring up the issue of fellowship with the church, and your respective places in it. Right now, since you are not married, your primary concern should be the things of the Lord (I Cor. 7:32, 35). However, when two people marry, the focus turns away from other believers and more towards each other (v.33-34). Married couples should still maintain fellowship with the church (Heb. 10:25), but never in a way that would strain or compromise their “oneness” (Gen. 2:24). If the decision is made between the two of you to pursue a level of commitment with the intended goal of marriage, then that would also be the time to think about one of you moving to live nearer the other.
This may be why you asked about sacrificing life plans. Will one (or both) of you have to make some changes in the plans you have for your lives? Maybe. But that’s okay, because, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” (Jer. 29:11)
Ultimately, your future is in good hands. So if God calls you to lay down even a part of your life for this relationship, then be thankful that you were called to take part in Christ’s sufferings, for as He put it, “A greater love hath no man than this: That he lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). That is a love worth building on. :)
I know you’re bombarded with questions about your future and especially how this young man fits into it. First of all, the Bible says not to worry about tomorrow (Matt. 6:34). Look at where and who you are today. Are you doing what God has called you to do? Are you drawing closer to Him, putting Him first and purposing to know Him better? When we do this, the Lord promises to add everything else to our lives (Matt. 6:33). If loving and serving the Lord are your first priority, then you can rest and wait patiently for Him to show you the next step in His perfect time (Psalm 18:30).
Drawing closer to God will also give you the perfect example of servant leadership: Jesus Himself. If you look at how He is described in Philippians 2 and Ephesians 5, we see the four characteristics of a Godly man: Humility, obedience, sacrifice, and love. Take those traits and prayerfully consider this person in your life. If he loves the Lord and has these qualities, then he is on the right track, and you can trust that the Lord is working in Him.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with approaching him with your questions, as long as it’s done with a gentle spirit (I Peter 3:4), and in a positive manner (Eph. 4:29). What you can’t do is force an answer from him. Give him the respect, as the man in your relationship, of allowing him to seek God on his own. Don’t push for resolution, but rather pray that the two of you would be of one mind in Christ (Phil. 2:1-4) and truly would desire the best for each other–whether or not you decide to continue dating.
Seeking each other’s best interests is also a big factor in some of the other issues you raise, such as denominational background. If one person is traditional, will they be comfortable in a Pentecostal church? Or if someone was raised charismatic, would they be happy in an ultra-reverent service? Again, if Christ is the foundation, then nothing is impossible (Matt. 19:26). But it can take a lot of patience and prayer in the process of becoming like-minded (Rom. 12:16). Still, I know that God makes a way where there is no way. He loves to do something new that is a testimony to His grace and power (Is. 43:19). If He brings two people together, He will make a way for them to live in unity.
You also bring up the issue of fellowship with the church, and your respective places in it. Right now, since you are not married, your primary concern should be the things of the Lord (I Cor. 7:32, 35). However, when two people marry, the focus turns away from other believers and more towards each other (v.33-34). Married couples should still maintain fellowship with the church (Heb. 10:25), but never in a way that would strain or compromise their “oneness” (Gen. 2:24). If the decision is made between the two of you to pursue a level of commitment with the intended goal of marriage, then that would also be the time to think about one of you moving to live nearer the other.
This may be why you asked about sacrificing life plans. Will one (or both) of you have to make some changes in the plans you have for your lives? Maybe. But that’s okay, because, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” (Jer. 29:11)
Ultimately, your future is in good hands. So if God calls you to lay down even a part of your life for this relationship, then be thankful that you were called to take part in Christ’s sufferings, for as He put it, “A greater love hath no man than this: That he lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). That is a love worth building on. :)
Sincerely,
