Anonymous says.. I come to you, strangers, because I have nowhere else to go.
I have read all of your testimonies, and think its amazing what God has done in all of your lives. I can't even pretend I have lived through any of what you guys have.
But at the same time, I'm not sure you can identify with what I have lived.
I am australian, and am awfully lucky to be just that. We have gangs I'm sure out there somewhere, but not many. We have drugs, but nothing I've ever come even close to. We have binge drinking problems, but none of which I have engaged in. I'm not a single mum, I'm not from a broken home and my dad never beat me.
I have come from a perfect family. 2 parents, 2 kids, grandparents that would do anything for me, and aunties and uncles that spoil me like nothing else.
I play every single sport I can, and have represented my state in field hockey and my country in soccer. I have always had the best equipment for whatever endeavour I was to impart on that month, as I am very blessed to have parents who are specialists in their field of work (dad is a pharmacist and mum is a teacher). I went to the best schools money could offer, and always had not just what I needed, but most of what I wanted as well.
I have been a Christian for 5 years now (since I was 17), have been an assistant youth pastor to a major church, I sing and play guitar on stage, I'm a youth leader and, now that I'm 21, a young adults leader as well. I have most of the answers to the questions I get asked daily. I have amazing friends.
My life, from the outside, is amazing. But I would never make that assumption about someone elses life, because often what we see is only the surface.
In my 21 years, I have buried 14 people that I loved with all my heart. 2 cancer, 8 suicides and 4 car accidents. Last year, I buried 4 people that were the closest to me. I have been raped twice, and was bullied my whole school life.
I shrug it all off, because, as my myspace name suggests, my role in this world is to be invincible. too many people rely on me for me not to be.
But to be honest? Of all my friends who have died, I got to say goodbye to 1. I didn't understand why 8 had to leave, and I never recovered from all of them.
I never got back up from the rapes. One was my best friend at the time (I was 14) and the other was a guy at Uni who couldn't take no for an answer (I was 19). Something like that changes you forever.
I had a kid I was taking over guardianship for slit her wrists and she died in my arms. I had to perform cpr on her lifeless body.
People think I play sport because I enjoy it. I play sport, because there are rules that play must abide within, and living the life that I do, I welcome that kind of predictability with open arms.
When I was 8 years old I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Now, just a few weeks ago, a Dr has told me I have OCD and Borderline Personality Disorder. It can all be attributed to undealt with post-traumatic stress disorder.
While my family is amazing, we don't do emotions. We don't say I love you, we dont touch, we don't really talk even. Everyone has their own lives and so we are required to live them.
I have one friend who I used to talk to. She is amazing, but for whatever reason she has distanced herself a little from me.It's enough to make me shut down to everyone. I find myself in a lot of trouble currently.
My youth pastor keeps an eye on me - I have been told numerous times that our leadership team has a bit of a soft spot for me (explains how i get away with so much haha). - and from time to time he takes me for a drive and begs me to stop thinking for that 20 mins im with him.
See, apart from being super, the thing I am best known for is my intelligence. I will argue till I'm blue in the face that I am the biggest dumbass this planet will ever see, but the truth is I do know too much for my own good.
The answer of 'God knows what He's doing', based on Jer 29:11 no longer suffices. Knowing God will always be round doesnt cut it. Hearing I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me does not renew my energy, nor does quoting Isaiah about how I will apparently arise with wings like eagles.
I am told over and over and over that I have the potential to change the world. That potentially I can go places no one has ever gone. That I can live a life of significance.
I was sat down a few weeks ago and told, " With great knowledge comes great burden. And I have never met anyone with a load as big as yours. Don't leave us, hang in there and I know God will see you through". He pointed out that the majority of the leaders at the church don't carry a lot of the knowledge I do, so unfortunately, I've heard it all before. If only he knew what was going on in my head.
I don't want to do this anymore. I am so tired. You cant imagine how exhausted I am, seriously. I rest in God, because its the only safe place to rest. I seek his counsel, because it is completely accurate. But there are sometimes that my mind is louder than He is. When the fight for my own life gets way too tough and I so desperately want to throw in the towel. I am well aware that we do not fight things of flesh, but of spirit. But I'm telling you right now when I sit in my bedroom knowing i've got nothing left, the fight becomes of flesh. I have to stop myself physically, from making an irreversible mistake.
I can't get better for my own sake. If I was doing this for me, I'd have taken every pill I have (And I have some intense ones, more than enough to kill me), finished my arms, tied a rope around my neck and jumped of my cliff because certain death is the best option for me. Eternity sounds a lot more appealing than the here and now. But I do this for the kids that depend on seeing me week in week out, for the kids I drag out of gutters every friday night. For my friends who see me as undefeatable and draw strength from that. For my family who could never let go.
But unless something gives, I can't do this. I feel like I have lived 10 lifetimes already.
If your answer is just pray, or God loves you then don't reply. I am well aware that communication is the key to a solid relationship with Christ, and that it is only He who can rescue me from this mess. And that if I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel then one day I will find it. I am hoping that maybe in reading this, God will give you a fresh revelation that you can pass onto me, and it will be enough to tip the scales the other way, and I will press on and through until I am out, clear, in the light He intended for me.
Help me, I am begging you!
See Answer
